Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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