i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
