guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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