my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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