come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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