So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
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Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
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But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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