I wannas sexs uuuuu
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
