My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ketchup is God's man juice
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
