just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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