I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
