my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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