Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
