People with herpes should wear stickers.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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