Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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