at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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