Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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