Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
