I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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