I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
