I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
