Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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