White coat. Heels.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
