I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
