Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
