I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
