So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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