Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Houston, we have a blender
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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