FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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