you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We need a shit load of segways right now
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You were trust falling into bushes
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
