Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You've changed since you got that strap on
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
