Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
