Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize