So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
