Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
