I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
