I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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