I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
