Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
