I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
