I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
