so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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