Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
