i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
