Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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