how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
