Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
