I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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