why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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