This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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