My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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