Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
