you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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