that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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