we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
