i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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