Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
