are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
