I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
