Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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