you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
