Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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