Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We need a shit load of segways right now
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
