I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
