Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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